How Old Is Too Old?

Like lasers in the fun house

Feb 17, 2024

Welcome to this edition of Crone Life, my midlife but not mid newsletter.¹ There's a lot of confusion based on what “old” really is, partly because so many people don’t look or act their age. No doubt this is a good thing, reduces age discrimination, allows people to party past their sell-by date, and gives the rest of the world the benefit of hard-won wisdom.

There’s always more than meets the eye.

I’m thinking and writing about this of course because of the recent fuss about Biden’s age and mental capacity. I am chiming in as an expert since I myself am 63 (but look younger and people think that’s cool) and my mom is in her early 90s. My main take is that Biden is probably fine and will continue to be so for the next 5 years unless he hits his head hard. He’s active, he’s social, he talks to lots of different people and gets plenty of mental stimulus. He’s been in government basically his whole life, so it’s not like he has to learn a new thing. He knows how things are supposed to go, like my mom will always know how to set a formal table or gently discipline a wayward child. Can he think of new brilliant things? That’s not his job. He has staff for that, like my mother has her daughters. 

He doesn’t seem crazy or lost. I know he mixed up who was the president of Mexico and Egypt, but things at the US border are not utterly unlike the refugee situation in Gaza. At least he’s confusing two things in the same category. Who hasn’t done that? He’s also a lifelong stutterer, which implies some possible speech-processing irregularities which don’t reflect his true mental acuity.

He does seem old, though. Biden is trim and looks like he exercises and eats a balanced vegetarian diet. But he’s also got that stiff, gaunt air.² He’s not beefy like Trump, who famously eats hamburgers and gives off an impression of puffy masculinity. Biden's hair is thinning and white, his eyes are small and sunken. He appears to get ruffled easily. But I also believe he knows the difference between the US border and the Gazan border, deep down, and he has advisors who aren’t afraid of him and will steer him in the right direction. My mom was fine up until her late 80s (well, for various definitions of “fine,” but she didn’t get scammed for $50k either) and she can still pull it together when necessary (though, no, I would not want her to be president, she would get very confused).

Why is there such fuss, now, about his age? In part I suppose, because journalists fear Trump and journalists are the fussmakers. The NY Times had a whole thing about how Trump appears more forceful at campaign appearances because his head is empty but his body is “heavyset” and he “uses his physicality to project strength in front of crowds.” To the masses, Trump appears stronger. But what do the masses know? This is not a sophisticated or nuanced take, more like grunting “ugh, Big Man is Big.” But it is a typical problem in American politics, the technocrat policy guy versus the guy who might be the quarterback you could have a beer with.³ This country, as a whole, has a longing for a dad figure that can curdle into a lizard-brain longing for a disciplinarian to set things right. But just like the dad who yells and beats you with a belt, this is seldom the best way to fix things. 

I dislike this American fixation on appearance and vibe, as you may have noticed. Just elect the person who can do the job, not the guy who reminds you of your favorite uncle or sports star.⁴ I also resent how all these roles are so male-coded. Sorry to my parents’ brothers and in-laws, but I don’t even have a favorite uncle. It’s a bit late for that anyway, since most of my uncles have died.

Aside from complaining about perceptions as portrayed in the media (especially the NY Times), I don’t have any kind of solution to offer. Maybe Biden should start wearing a thicker wig and let himself bulk up some. Maybe Dr. Jill could go blonder and gaze at him with increased adoration. Maybe Hollywood could whip up a drama about a charming grandpa who uses his hard-earned wisdom and still-impressive strength to save a little girl from zombies. Maybe Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce could get engaged standing on the White House lawn.⁵ Here’s a newsletter by Thomas Zimmer that digs into the issue. 

This isn’t really about politics, though as you probably know or have intuited, I am not a Trump supporter. I think he’s creepy and his only thoughts involve hurting people and enriching himself. I am filled with rapturous schadenfreude about the recent defamation and fraud trial verdicts. Given the choice between an octogenarian and a slightly younger grifter, which would you choose?

Defending Myself

This has nothing to do with who is too old to be president. If you want more on that, try here or here. I’m going to delve into my feelings resulting from a lunch incident with co-workers earlier this week. I’m not getting into the details, since they involve my kid. He didn’t ask to be related to me and hasn’t given enthusiastic consent to being written about. Anyway, one particular co-worker stated in no uncertain terms that I should be doing the opposite of what I’ve been doing and implied that I was a weak, wishy-washy and dangerously indulgent parent. She was of course speaking from her own experience, which has nothing to do with mine. I deflected politely. I don’t have to work that closely with her and I don’t have much faith in her judgment. Other people at the table had helpful suggestions and I did take those in. 

On the way back from lunch, a colleague whom I do work closely with asked why I hadn’t just outright told the other woman she had no right to comment on my parenting choices. I responded, “That’s not really my way,” and she agreed and we said no more. But it got me thinking about how I do respond to verbal challenges or criticism. This was a complex one, since it involved a member of my family, not just me. I can defend myself, but I was raised to be a nice girl—private and polite, someone who doesn’t blow up a discussion. Unless of course I’m yelling at someone very close to me.⁶ If someone is questioning me about why I did something, I am perfectly capable of defending myself. But in situations like the above, where my emotions are swirling and I feel threatened, my instinct is to throw up a shield. I think of it as a mirror-surface bubble, like the Millennium Park Bean in Chicago. You can’t get at me and I am safe from you. Attacks are reflected back, like lasers in a fun house.

It does stop the debate, but I don’t know how useful it is otherwise. In the particular situation I describe, even if I had told her the equivalent of “shut up,” it’s not like I would have won. I might have felt better, though. She might have learned not to take that tack with me. I wouldn’t have kept my hurt to myself where it could fester. That’s all win-win, right? For myself, I need to find the line where I can politely but firmly disagree when someone goes off and gets too personal. I’m certainly mature enough at this point. I knew I didn’t have to make her understand and get her agreement, her opinion doesn’t really matter to me, but maybe I could have gotten her to see my side of things and made a connection. It’s not like she’s really a bad person. But do I want to do this? How much criticism do I need to take in? At what point do I decide continuing the conversation would benefit me and when do I just shut it down? Either through gelid politesse or something more direct. I have an idea that I can take anything and not suffer damage, but we all know that’s not true. Limiting damage, whether mental or physical, is key to a happy older age.

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See you next week! Be well and well-defended.

1. “Midlife” is just a nicer way of saying “middle aged” which, I guess, fair.

2. Maybe he should eat more cookies or healthy fats from grass-raised cattle.

3. I know football players probably need to have some understanding of strategy, OK? I’m not saying they’re dumb.

4. Though perhaps most voters think this is the job.

5. Gotta be careful about that, the T’n’T backlash is scheduled to begin soon.

6. If that’s you, I hope I’ve apologized.