Welcome to my newsletter Crone Life, with scores of subscribers (thank you all!), where the reinvention of self over time, even unto 60-plus, is a recurrent theme. Please like what I write by clicking the heart, which works not only to feed my self-esteem but apparently means Substack might make my writing more visible. Also comment, share, subscribe! That helps too.
Tuesday afternoon I took a step toward further reinvention through an informational interview with a wonderful and kind person who has made a career in user experience (UX) research. We have the same degree (MS in Information Science), though she has the benefit of being 21 years younger. But I knew that coming in. I love academic librarianship but it’s not a hotbed of full-time jobs and I need health insurance that’s better than Medicaid. I also need to stay in this area while my mother is still alive. I have contemplated working another part-time job (as a weekend reference librarian, say) which might be workable since in theory I have 10 (mostly unpaid) weeks off in the summer and it couldn’t be worse than working full time and going to grad school.1 I’m not eligible for a reference job in the state system because I only have the one master’s (though this might be finagled by being in another master's program or at least accepted at the time of application). But that’s another 3 years of working all the time and not getting paid for part of it. I’m wishing I had gone to grad school earlier but I seriously thought it would be too hard. Academically that is. If I had but known.2
This Zoom call was inspirational, at minimum. I’m feeling more self-confident about job-hunting and more assured about asking for help. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but there’s a running subtext here–I am afraid that people won’t like me and I also have a hard time trusting people will help me. And, with a minimum of Freudian introspection, I can see that it stems from my parents, who lovingly instilled in me the belief fear that I wouldn’t be good enough and that I probably was might be unlikeable and therefore shouldn’t be too ambitious. And yeah, sure, I did have some adolescent social awkwardness and lack of skill, but that’s normal. I can look back now and think kindly that they did the best they could with love as well as terror in their hearts (which was exactly their response when I tried to get into it with them in my 20s). I did my best to ignore this conditioning and shoot for the stars, but lack of self-confidence is still an issue for me. Although now it co-exists with proven evidence of my abilities! I’ve tried to instill belief in himself in my son by saying things like “Go for it!," "They can’t kill you for trying,” quoting Yoda and the Nike slogan and never indicating doubt. He’s even more fearful than I am. I guess boys aren’t automatically filled with self-confidence at birth. Which leads me to wonder about nature over nurture, but that’s for another time.
Going forward, therefore, I resolve to seek mentorship and coaching opportunities and not be afraid to ask for help. Which is a big step for me! Thank you, Jane, for your time. Even if I end up not pursuing this path, your karma is assured.
Energized by my experience, I made a to-do list so I won’t wake up at night terrified I’ve forgotten something important. There’s still some minimal Christmas prep. I need to finalize my car purchase and return the rental and transfer the car insurance policy. Gotta nail down occupational therapy for my healed-but-weakened fractured hand. Though it’s getting stronger every day. Gotta send emails requesting references, which I also find terrifying.3
This is officially the second to the last edition of Crone Life for 2023. Number 24 if I’m not mistaken, which I could be.4 I will not be posting this weekend but after Christmas I plan to mark the seventh anniversary of falling and breaking both wrists and my nose by revising and posting the essay I wrote for the second iteration of my employer’s Engaged Pluralism storytelling initiative in 2018. (See here for the first one). After that, I’m taking a break until February, so don’t worry if you don’t hear from me.
I can’t wait until I can sign off by saying “See you next year!” which is one of my favorite silly jokes and proof that though I may be 63 on the outside, inside I am, at the most, 5. Cause that’s kindergarten-level humor. In the meantime, enjoy the long holiday weekend to the best of your ability. Merry Christmas to all who want to hear it, if not feel free to let it go in one ear and out the other. I will not be insulted. I will be happy you are exercising your agency!
Right? At least I’d be getting paid.
To be fair, everyone else I knew at the time was in a doctoral program and extremely scornful of the idea of a terminal master’s. Another example of the perfect being the enemy of the good.
And I also need to send my postcard for the Discord postcard exchange!
Numbers and quantification are not my strength. Though I’m pretty sure I’ve read over a hundred books this year.
I have come to really enjoy seeing your pieces show up in my inbox. Looking forward to more!
I still have that immature humor, too. I think it's a good thing!
Thanks for your writing!