Accidents Will Happen
But whose fault is it anyway?
Welcome to Crone Life, where I examine Big Life Questions through the filter of my considerable personal experience!
Hello! I know I’m posting this later than usual. Last Sunday I was in a car accident and broke a bone in my left hand. I fractured my right knee cap. I chipped a bone in my right foot. I have bruised ribs (OW). I have huge dark bruises on the upper left quadrant of my body, presumably from the seat belt. It all hurts a whole lot. I am out of work for at least 3 weeks and who knows what’s happening with the car. I have full insurance and already got approved for short term disability leave, so the big issues are out of the way. I saw the doctor and got removable hand and knee braces to replace the ER splints and now I can take showers!
I've been in a rage and fury of angst about all this over the past week though because to a large extent, the accident was my fault. I have been having big feelings. It’s dragging me down, especially if I do too much (anything) and just before it’s time for another dose of ibuprofen (they don’t give you “good drugs” for this kind of thing anymore, that era has passed). I even focused on clearing my energy just to be able to function, which is not my usual MO (but it worked!).
It was just a little accident really, no one was killed or even badly hurt and both cars are probably going to be drivable once they're repaired. But I am bouncing between “depressed and guilty as fuck” and “everything seems to be turning out ok considering.” I know feelings are not facts (thank you former therapist) but I was spiraling. Worrying about getting older and things of that nature. My kind friends (and indeed everyone I have spoken to about this) have assured me that accidents happen. They certainly do.
Then I read about Alan Ruck crashing his Rivian into a pizza parlor and this newsletter from Joyce Wadler about hitting a brick wall in her car and now I feel much better. Misery loves company. Also realized I can take one of those online defensive driver courses (shout out to dear pal and Friend of Crone Life Amy for this info!) and could get rid of points if I’m awarded any. There are solutions to everything! Even if you don’t have a triple-A membership.
I have many thoughts about all this, as you might guess. Typing is hard, though, since essentially I only have one hand. Well, one and a half hands. I tried voice typing but then my son keeps coming out of his room because he thinks I’m asking for help. I can’t tell him to ignore me because what if I do need help? My left hand is in a weird brace where the pinky and ring finger are immobilized by a velcro loop and then the rest of the hand is held in what I believe they call a neutral position. You can see that it's still very swollen and badly bruised. I saw the X-ray and the break itself is nothing, it's not even displaced. But of course it hurts and while your thumb and forefinger are good for pinching, holding things is not possible. Unless they’re small. My left hand lacks a palm, per se, which is awkward.
The brace on my right knee isn't too bad, although it involves a lot of velcro. So much velcro, a premier invention of the 20th century, along with Tang1 and White Out2. The brace is designed to hold the joint straight. There are locks on each side of the joint which the orthopedist will loosen in the future when he deems my punishment sufficient. The idea is that I don't both put my weight on it and bend it at the same time, as in squatting and then rising from the squat. That would be bad. My walk is a bit Frankenstein-esque because my leg is stiff but I can live with that. I'm not barred from driving the way I would be if it were my right foot in a brace. My insurance would cover a rental car if I needed one. Life is good, considering.
Believe me, I know from bad breaks. At the end of 2016, I tripped and fell on my face and broke both my wrists. Not only were these bilateral radial fractures displaced, they were complex and comminuted. I also tore cartilage in my left wrist and broke my nose, which sounds bad but was really nothing in the end. The wrists required surgical repair and a long recovery time. All-in-all, it took a year of my life. I’ll write more about that someday. I just mention it so readers can understand why I might seem kind of casual about my current injuries. Honestly, I don’t know how it would help for me to be distraught. Like, yeah it sucks but things could be so much worse. In both cases, I would be much angrier at the universe if I hadn’t done this to myself.
Trauma has many faces. The question of guilt and culpability is a big one, though. How can I make amends? Do I need to make amends? What do I owe to the people whose car I hit? On and on, more questions on those topics. Mostly my feeling is that I need to get things clear in my head before I take any actions. I wasn’t drinking or otherwise impaired, I just wasn’t paying attention. Accidents happen, I remind myself.
I am spending this time lying on the sofa watching various TV shows and movies. Mrs Davis was good! (Although I’m unsure about the religious stuff.) Poker Face was not for me! I’m currently watching season 2 of The Wheel of Time on Amazon, which is about my current speed. It’s very pretty and makes no sense whatsoever. I was trying to read Jonathan Abernathy You Are Kind but gave up because I’m not really into these didactic Millennial novels that are adult fairy tales illustrating the consequences of structural inequities. And “close third'' is not my favorite point of view. But that doesn’t mean you won't like it! It’s me, not the book. I’m the problem!
And back to being the one at fault. I don’t like to fail. I mostly don’t. When I do, it hits me hard. I’m sure it all feeds into my worries about not being lovable if I'm not perfect, etc. I’ll have to learn to live with it for now.
Please click the heart to show me I’m still lovable. Subscribe if you haven’t already (you know who you are.) Comment if you too have fallen.3
This one’s for my fellow Late Boomers
Maybe this one too
And read this op-ed from the Times for another perspective, perhaps not so different from my own but the the writer is way more famous.
here is some medical explanation, I think. But at the time I just didn’t know how I had done it. I stuck to my story, as I still do. I saw no red light. We’re I on a jury hearing the evidence I would say yeah he ran a red light whether he saw it or not. Retrospectively, I conjecture that I had an intrusive visualization of a chicken murder I had just heard about from home. No, no police involvement. Just be honest and stick with what you saw at the time. Cops respect that. No conjecture or extended conversation, especially with insurers. Their investigators lean hard for any crack or variation. Just refer them to what you told the cop on the scene. For what’s worth, this seems to be a rite of passage about our age. Me, you, my next brother last month. My older brother fatally last year. Take care.
That stuff is tough. Last road accident, no injury, kept me from driving for 6 months.