Hi hi hello, welcome to the third week of January. Effusive greetings to subscribers new and pre-existing. I hope you’re keeping head and soul above the dark swirling surface of the slough of despond, even though Donald Trump is about to become President AGAIN. Have we learned nothing? Apparently not.
Peering into the murky abyss of this month's resolutions and resolves, I’ve got myself in a tizzy. I’ve been thinking about this a lot: How can I be a better person? I am as I was formed, by the influences of my childhood and young adulthood. So too are you, whether aligned with or in opposition to those early assimilated values. But that doesn’t mean we have to stay that way.
Don’t be a “good woman”
For women, the temptation lies in “bettering” themselves by losing weight, looking pretty (er), being nicer, doing more emotional labor, making things easier for men and children in various ways. Not to say that any of this is bad per se or in moderation, but it can also be a way of accumulating soft power–you put yourself in charge of all kinds of things behind the scenes, stealing agency from others who need to learn to do for themselves. And it can backfire as I learned when I broke both wrists and my husband refused to learn to do laundry and I didn’t have clean underwear until I managed to get insurance to pay for a home health aide, who despite being recently arrived from Haiti and not speaking english well had no problem with the washing machine. I’m not intending to put my husband on the spot–to a certain extent I created this situation for myself, by wanting to show him my love and devotion by doing things for him and disregarding what I needed to do for myself. Or maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Relationships aren’t simple, but figuring out your boundaries and sticking to them is a good start. “Better” shouldn’t equal “doormat.” Get better for yourself and nobody else.
“Spiritual” values
“Spiritual values” means to me: be gentle and respectful with everyone. Agree with their shared humanity. Strive to find peaceful solutions for disagreements. Believe in redemption–this is a tough one, though, because so many claim it without justification. And I don’t think the redeemed, for whatever redemption they claim, should be put in positions of great power, particularly if they have abused such positions before. Redemption is one thing but rewarding people for bad behavior is another. Yes, I am talking about Pete Hegseth.
I think that if someone had truly experienced the power of redemption they would enter a monastery or do good in quiet ways. This is my own interpretation, of course, but if I ruled the world I would think very carefully about giving such a position to anyone who claimed they’d reformed. Corruption is a weakness. I’m not saying bullies can’t be redeemed but I am saying don’t put them in positions where bullying is a near-irresistible temptation. Same for alcoholics and addicts.
Don’t make yourself the norm
Don’t judge others through the prism of your own needs. Here’s an example: Christopher Rufo (implicit in demonizing ideas like “critical race theory” and Richard Hanania (white supremacist) have recently spoken out against – of all things – American Sign Language interpreters. Rufo whined in his X statement
“I’m sorry, but we have to stop with the ridiculous sign language interpreters, who turn serious press conferences into a farce,” Rufo wrote. “There are closed captions on all broadcast channels and streaming services. No wild human gesticulators necessary.”
What kind of statement is this? What is wrong with a few gesticulations in the service of key information for all citizens in the face of a crisis? Has he ever had to depend on the closed captions to understand what’s happening? They may be fine when you're watching a movie or binging a series, but for live news? Never mind, Rufo finds ASL interpreters aesthetically displeasing. Fuck the deaf and hard of hearing.
Hanania quoted Rufo approvingly and added his own slant:
The community note shows that the process has been captured by the disability lobby. It’s not about access, CC works fine. They have to pretend like it doesn’t to force this absurdity onto us.
I don’t understand this type of stupidity. They have forgotten what it means to be human. Don’t be stupid like them. Be a human. Remember that other people are humans too.
Be discreet. Choose carefully.
Don’t make mess or spread mess. Don’t hide yourself away, but choose who you share with. I’m wary of this particular tenet. I think the downside can be not telling enough, which makes it difficult to connect with your fellow beings. It’s one thing to be intimate only with your intimates (family and close friends) but the promise of social media is that you will connect with other people who can become your friends. This can happen (it has happened to me) but you shouldn’t depend on it. It’s always a balance of trust and suspicion. Too much of either will lead you astray someplace you probably don’t want to be. But how to decide? Therapists have some simple rules, as seen here [my mother hates my sister-inlaw NYT] [Catherine substack]
At the same time, be careful about people who want you to be quiet. As a young woman, I was prone to loudly telling everyone what I thought they needed to know. I’m still kind of didactic and bossy. My parents would shush me, on the grounds that ladies are discreet. And maybe I was hard to take, I don’t know, that was 50 years ago. But it sent me underground, keeping my opinions to myself. FIgure out how to make your voice heard.
Be a feminist
The promise of feminism is full-scale humanism, not flipping the hierarchy so women are on top. The NYT assembled and interviewed a focus group of men who voted for Trump about what they think a real man is and how they resent not being allowed to practice chivalry. Most of them chose their grandfathers as their image of “real manhood.” Two generations is a long time ago, guys.
They also think they should not be accused of manipulation just because other men are manipulative! Women should understand: Not All Men! But women, especially young women, have good reason to distrust acts of chivalry. It’s not about you as a man getting to feel all powerful and indispensable. I’m not saying that every guy who offers to change a tire for free is out for more. I’m just saying, don’t lead with it. Women learn to reject offers like this in order to stay safe. Finding your purpose in life by being the only person who can change a tire is as limiting as my making myself into the only person who could do the laundry.
In conclusion
This is a brain dump not a series of prescriptions. It’s easier to follow a list of precepts (such as the 10 commandments) so you know what to do. It is easier to have a rabbi or a priest or a guru or lifestyle influencer guide you. But the first person you need to trust and respect is yourself. Sometimes that means that attempting to better a situation is not going to work. You need to know your limits, and by that I mean not what you can’t do, but what you can do. These are suggestions only, for betterment not perfection. You don’t have to follow all of them, but you should probably follow some. Every little bit helps.
Head & shoulders
I had my first p/t session last week and managed to follow the home exercise routine for one day. It’s boring and makes my shoulder ache. Am I beating myself up for slacking off? You betcha.
Veronica’s Corner
She plays like it’s her job, pouncing on random objects and flipping them up into the air so she can pounce on them again. She’s been more affectionate lately, probably due to my precisely calibrated technique of making her sit in front of me to get a churu. It might just be cupboard love, but I’ll take it.
Oh, that face!🐾💕
Great article, thank you. I needed that reminder.
Great post. I wasn't told to be quiet as a child, but I have tended to overshare. Sharing honestly has led to some of the greatest friendships I've ever had, but finding that balance, particularly when it strays into gossip (which I define as sharing too much about other people in my life, rather than myself) can be a problem. I do hope you can overcome the boredom and the P/T does help. I am wrestling with how to provide compression on my elbow, without sending the fluid to pool elsewhere on the arm. On my third different kind of ace bandages, elbow braces. and I am hoping a compression sleeve that is to be delivered to day will work better than the bandage I wore this morning that made my hand swell. I continue to try to see all this as a grand experiment on my body. When I apologized for going through a litany of different odd ailments-with my primary care doctor--she laughed and said, no, I always had such unique problems she kept learning from trying to treat me. I decided to take that as a compliment!!!